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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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9:44 am
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| Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
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12:06 pm
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| Friday, July 2nd, 2004
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4:51 am
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worlds fattest man ... dead at 80
"watch me do a hula dance to shake the egg rolls from my pants"
- marlon brando
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004
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9:06 pm - rawr
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on the daily show last night they had all these clips (real clips) of enron people talking to each other about all the evil things they are doing. the best was them reacting to a fire in california and saying "burn baby burn" because it was making energy prices spike. but then they had this fake phone call that made me die laughing
~ phone rings ~
grandma millie: hello?
enron exec: hello is this grandma millie?
grandma millie: yes.
enorn exec: i'm taking your electricity you bitch!
grandma millie: but i need electricity to make pies for the orphans
enron exec: well your orphans can eat my ass!
grandma millie: oh dear lord
enron exec: god has nothing to do with it you whore.
grandma millie: oh ... my hip just broke from sadness
also the my summer house is the greatest place in the world
strait on.
front yard.
back yard number 1 of 3
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| Friday, March 19th, 2004
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11:06 am
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if my middle name was making beats i would be doing myself all weekend.
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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9:53 am
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i think live journal should have a disintrest section of the profile ... i would much rather like to bond with people over things i hate than things i like.
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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11:53 am - the new real world
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Did anybody else catch the first episode of Real World: Zebes? With fully seven distinct species and four different sexual orientations, it's the most diverse Real World yet. It makes the bridge of the Enterprise look like a KKK rally.
"Four different sexual orientations?" you exclaim. "Preposterous! There are only two thingies, and their interactions are well known." I don't deny that you are correct in your assertion. Every possible intersection of ding-dongs and hoo-has has been charted, mapped, and inverted, and each permutation of the above has been pontificated on for as long as the material components of physical love have been in circulation. But one of the wonders of science fiction is not only that our minds can be expanded by vivid scenarios of space travel, but also that truly remarkable new genitals can be conceived of by imaginative shut-ins, for whom even the activity of human genitalia has taken on the allure and mystery of fiction.
One of the other two sexual configurations is dreadfully mundane, I'm afraid - asexual reproduction. Nothing to write home about here. It's just like masturbating, except that when you get done there's somebody else in the room. The whole thing is pretty crazy. What would you talk about? It's not like you can deny what you do in your spare time.
The fourth one, however, might be enough to get your space-blood pumping - imagine if you will a seven dimensional penis which can project beyond time, and even through solid matter. This metadong can be everywhere and nowhere at once, its exact physical state is constantly in flux. You might think of this scenario as somewhat emasculating, because if someone asks you (for example) if you have the balls to do something, you have to very earnestly reply that you might or you might not, it's kind of a quantum thing. On the other hand, ask that motherfucker if he can have sex with anyone who ever existed, ever, even if they were trapped inside a safe. See what I'm talking about? With an infinite wang, this and much more is possible. Well, I guess I should say probable. It's kind of a quantum thing.
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| Monday, December 1st, 2003
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2:30 pm
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i fear i have become a buttercup of winter
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| Monday, September 8th, 2003
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12:00 pm - deloused
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purchase people. im bored today. lets hang out. we can do lines of autum fun.
current mood:  blah
current music: the mars volta - track 1
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| Saturday, July 12th, 2003
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3:38 pm - Chicago part 2
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I wrote a long live journal entry on paper for when i got to a computer to type it in but just now i had to walk 3 miles to this computer and so i opted not to bring my notebook. I will tell all of what has happened. grab a seat. The next day after the ohio shows we booked it to the anarchist bookstore which in actuallity was called solidarity books and was probably only refered to the anarchist bookstore because it only sold books dealing with anarchy. Right next to the bookstore was a house that had apperently burned down half way the week before and they had put walls and doors over the floor so they could walk around in it and in the upstairs they were spray painting anrchy t-shirts. we brought our stuff into the big room of thew bookstore and i asked the girl about a million times if it was ok that we were a pop band. she said they had all kinds of bands that play there. which in time i found to mean that they have 10-12 difrent varieties of ambient screamo music.this was a fairly well atteneded shows and from the firest non-dissonant chords the audience could tell were were not even half as angry or pained as they would have liked us to have been. so the 3 girls in hot topic gear who had earlier made me feal better about people liking us at the show finnianly got done looking at each other and rolling their eyes and left and it was pretty much down hill from there. We cut our set listalmost in half and we left asap. it was peretty terrible taking our stuff out of there cause all of themn were just thinking man you guys suck. but we got paid enough to get to the next show and seeing how our host in indiana never showed up we decided to drive to chicago for our 2 days of shows there. The first day in chicago we were in the van and ready to go and the venue calls us and says the show was canceled so we decided to go to the teen idols show which is where everyone would have been anyway had we played. they were allright if you like punk music (which i don't) a band called even in blackouts opened for them and they were actually pretty amazing. the next night we played our least atteneded show on tour and we were feeling the hurt and didnt play so well but lindsay lime and meridith lime shoed up and we got to hang out on the streets of chicago for a solid hour. i kept my eye on lookout for billy corgan but didnt find him. In the morning we left for minnesota and our best show yet. the audicnce was mostly pretty 16 year old girls and we made enough gas money to get us all the way to the other side of montana which is where we needed to be .. lots of people bought merch and we were out of shirts. I bought some youngsters cigarettes and hoped i would get kisses in return but no luck. Our spirits were high despite the 22 hours of driving we had in front of us. I made a few phone calls. joe got amped up and he decided to drive strait thru the night till 6 when i took over on the tip of north dakota. north dakota at 6 AM is a strange place. And home of the worst coffee i have had on tour but i got some of the wake up in me and drove 422 miles to billings montana where we spent the day. eating burgers and walking around this booming mecca. We had to be on the other end of montana by around 7 the next day so after our free continental brakfast the next morning we were out. we stoped briefly in bozeman montana for arbys and a quick call to fellow toureres Dirt bike annie. 10 miles later the van jerked quickly and we pulled over. we were 1 mile from the manhattan montana exit and triple A took us to the nearest mechanic that had the ability to lift a car up and see what was under it..which until now i assumed was probably the first purchase one would make after deciding to open a mechanic shop. Let me tell you a little bit about manhattan montana. the population is 300 people and 1 mean cop which we never met. they said they could not get to the van until tomorrow so we looked around for a place to sleep. there was a giant place in the middle of a field but the guy said we would be thrown in jail if we slept there...as it turns out we would also be thrown in jail if we wandered the streets all night. Also there was not one motel or hotel in a 10 mile radius. we went back to the garage where they told us the van was dead and there was nothing we could do about it. this is about when the depression set in. we started formulating ideas about what to do when a nice man named sid aproched us about letting us stay in his ranch house free of charge. him and his wife cooked us meals for the next day while we figured out how much it would cost to do our various plans. As it turns out a greyhound from montana to new york would cost just under a grand and take 6 days. We rented a 3 seater u-haul in bozman montana and drove like the devil back down to chicago where chrstians dad had another van. we drove strait thru montana, wyoming, south dakota, minnesota and illinois for 2 days strait and last night made it back here. we are currently getting the van set up and we are gonna drive down to texas and pick up the second half of the tour. we have anothher 3-4 days here in chicago though and this morning i returned the u-haul so all is moving foward. Im so used to being alone most of the day that the week+ of being with the same people is starting to get to me. i need alone time pretty badly but ive figured out that that is just not going to happen. so i go on walks now. things will get better once we start playing again. we have met a lot of strange people so far. Also keep an eye out if you are ever in columbus ohio because 50% of the population there is homeless and the other 50% is girls that just finnished jogging. truth. So im sorry about the no contact with cell phones or email for a while but given my story you should forgive me and hope for the best. I miss my car and i miss rocking out and i miss home really badly.
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
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2:14 am - lets see if you bastards can do 90
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its 3 in the AM i cant sleep cause im so sick and my nose is so stuffed and my sinuses hurt so bad that i cant fall asleep so i watched the back to the future trilogy. im glad i did. i miss those movies. i know thats kinda sad to watch that whole trilogy in a row .. but not so sad in that i think when i meet my soul mate one of the first 5 things we will bond over is a love for back to the future. i bet she spent tonight watching the trilogy too except in whatever state she is living in. 1 thing used to bother me about the movies and that was how emmit put the note back together again after tearing it up. but i noticed that he tears it up and puts every last peice in his pocket ... so that would be easy. now i have 1 small problem with the movies:
in the 3rd movie marty brings the time machine back in time to the west but damages the fuel line and they cant get out of there. BUT. doc hid the same time machine in a cave for marty to find in 1955 when he is stranded so technically there are now 2 delorians in the wild west...cant they take the fuel and what not from the other one and use that to go home and then send a follow up note about fixing the fuel tank to the marty in 1955 so that they can fix that too ... and then there wouldnt have been any need for most of the 3rd movie? i mean right?
im so fucking sleepy
i wish i could fall asleep
i wish i was a real boy
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| Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
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8:30 am - oh man
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this is from penny arcade .... its amazing
Long story short, I'm getting my chicken soup on, it's Sunday afternoon, and Gabe's reading some Preacher in the Den, which is also the living room, the bathroom, and the foyer. I am interacting with pasta dough in what I think is a stern way, when I hear him say that he might like the soup better if it were, in fact, carrot cake. It hits us, hits us both, simultaneously, like a semi made out of lightning which is also a professional boxer. Carrot Cake Soup. You cube the carrot cake, some pieces have frosting and some don't, and you put a handful of these chunks into a bowl full of milk. So let's go do it. We'll do it later this week, he says. But I know that's the same as not doing it. Why not now, I say? I know a store where we can get all the stuff. You can just buy it, the way you can buy stuff in the household cleaners section and make a bomb big enough to kill God. The stuff is just lying around there and nobody's doing anything with it. It's not a crime to buy them separately, and what we do at home isn't any of their fucking business.
I think someone might have been following us as we pulled into the parking lot, we walked toward the grocery store and tried to keep the conversation natural. We certainly didn't discuss carrot cake or the soup one might make by cutting it into cubes and swimming islands of it in cold milk, pleasure islands, like you'd see in a magazine. At the bakery counter, a woman asks if she can help me, and I'm so nervous that as I'm pointing to the carrot cake behind the glass, my finger starts to tap in Morse Code that reads:
I AM ABOUT TO COMMIT A CRIME AGAINST GOD AND MAN STOP
And where is Gabe with that Goddamn milk? There he is, in the self-checkout. Idiot. There's cameras all over that thing, it's like a Goddamn surveillance tree. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. A red light flashes on, and off in my mind. At another checkstand, I pay with untraceable cash, assuring the woman that I will eat the cake by myself, without assistance from cows. I smirk. This woman has no idea that she's just sold me the trigger to a flavor gun. Carrot Cake Soup is like the taste of watching girls make out. It has an extraordinary power that oscillates between gentle and overwhelming, between light and dark, between pleasure and more pleasure. When it was over, I realized that I was panting. I was in possession of carnal knowledge. And I knew that, somehow, every taste beyond this point was in the service of the one that still lingered, waited, to remind me that nature has laws, and those that break them are criminals, and though they roam free enough the knowing will hold them, and keep them, until the last.
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| Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
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4:45 pm
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there were these 2 cute girls in tower records just now when i bought the AK3 album ....
when i got up close i found out they were allison and 1 other girl from morgan storm...
i was gonna say hi but then i thought what if its not her i will look like an idiot and then i thought man i should ask for a copy of the song they played in songwriting and then i thought what would i say ... shgould i say i am a friend of christians or should i say i go to purchase or both and in what order....at this point i was allready halfway home
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
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8:56 pm - album review #1
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Madonna - American life
I want my time back. I feel violated after having listened to this, i wonder if i will be doomed to lunchs at the local VFW for the rest of my life talking with veterans because only those who have known the horrors of war can relate to my own pain, the audio rape that is the new madonna CD. The hooks on this are so bland and vanilla that i found myself wishing they would just suck a little more so that it could envoke some sort of reaction...at least the reaction the lyrics inspired... holy mother of fuck. holy mother of sweet jesus fuck. If the mesopotamians and who ever else helped start written language knew words would eventually be used to create such an unholy act of evil they might have questioned the greater good in what they were doing. some of the synth sounds are pretty neat and theres a bass drum sound on i belive track 7 thats is pretty awsome, but it is used sparingly and only to peak the listeners ear briefly before crashing down again on the jagged rocks of poor writing and phoned in production ideas. The album artwork is terrible its like being forced to look at every screeching wesel album cover all at one. ITS THAT BAD! for those who have not seen it or repressed the memory i firstly say kudos to you and secondly must tell you that madonna make many shapes with her body that end up folding out and spelling her name and the album title. The jewel case smelled like rotten berries. Modnna raps on every track and makes avril lavinges hip hop verses in nobodys fool look like andre 3000s verse on bombs over baghdad. tomorrow morning i will brush my teeth i will shower and i will floss but i will never ever be clean again.
move over fred durst .... its madonnas time now
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| Thursday, November 21st, 2002
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11:40 am - 240 dollars
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Levon: aww yeah!
Barry: awww yeah!
Levon: its that time!
Barry: oh you know its that time!
Levon: Im levon.
Barry: and im barry ... sagitarius
Levon: and its time...its time for 200
Barry: ... and 40 dollars
Levon: worth of pudding
Barry: worth of pudding
Levon: oh yeah! Mr Bouche (camera man) come on in here and lets get a shot of this pudding. Now that is the kind of pudding that only 240 dollars can buy.
Barry: awwww yeah.
Levon: we had the 240
Barry: ... we had to have the pudding
Levon: awww yeah...now we could have bought 100 dollars worth of pudding
Barry: and that would have been ... a lot of pudding.
Levon: awww yeah ... but we had to go all the way baby!
Barry: all the way home.
Levon: with 200
Barry: and 40 dollars
Levon: worth of pudding
Barry: worth of pudding
Levon: awww yeah
Barry: now i know what youre thinking "barry and levon ...
Levon: where did you get 240 dollars?"
Barry: shhhhhhhhh dont worry your pretty little head about it baby
Levon: aint none of your concern
Barry: now if you'l excuse me im just gonna wisper some sweet nothings to this pudding
Levon: ill just be over here minding my own
Barry: oh baby you know you got it going on. oh you're looking so good, you're looking so right
Levon: barry baby...barry baby do you see what i got here?
Barry: what do you got there?
Levon: well this is a box of pudding barry.
Barry: what does it say?
Levon: it says "cook and chill" and baby thats what i do every night i cook...and then i chill
Barry: awww yeah
Levon: barry baby i think its that time
Barry: time to do the deed
Levon: heres the moment you have been waiting for
Barry: now if you will excuse me while i kiss the sky
Levon: awww yeah
(they rub asses in pudding)
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| Sunday, August 25th, 2002
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4:33 pm - kettle crisps?... KETTLE CRISPS?!?!
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Celebrity Jeopardy
(Jeopardy Theme Song...)
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! We've got quite a contest going on here, lets take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with negative $6,500.
Sean Connery: Only on account of villainy!
Alex Trebek: Great... Uh, Minnie Dryver is in first with a commanding score of zero.
Minnie Dryver: (Repeatedly presses buzzer, puzzled as to why it doesn't work, finally it beeps...) (With English accent) Umm, what is history?
Alex Trebek: (Hesitates) We haven't started playing yet! And finally, Jeff Goldblum with an incredible negative $17,800.
Jeff Goldblum: (Gestures to the audience as though there were roaring applause. Blows a kiss. Me? I know...) Well...uh, yes, I suppose I do. (Shrugs)
Alex Trebek: Better luck to all of you, in the next round.
It's time for Double Jeopardy, lets take a look at the board. And the categories are: Potent Potables, Literature, which is just a big word for books, Therapists, Current US Presidents, Show and Tell, Household Objects, and finally; One Letter Words.
Anyway, Jeff Goldblum you are in third place, so the board is yours.
Jeff Goldblum: Well...uh, this is...uh, Jeopardy. Seeing as there are...uh...one, two, three-four-five-six...ahh seven...uh, seven different categories-
Alex Trebek: (Interrupting) Right, Mr. Connery why don't you pick?
Sean Connery: I looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take The Rapists for $200.
Alex Trebek: That's "Therapists..." That's "Therapists," not "The Rapists." Lets skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects" for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these..."
(Buzz)
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: A leather glove!
Alex Trebek: No.
(Buzz)
Alex Trebek: Minnie Dryver.
Minnie Dryver: A toilet!
Alex Trebek: That is awful.
(Buzz)
Alex Trebek: Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum: (Gestures at the buzzer until time runs out.)
Alex Trebek: And, you're an idiot! The answer was "a glass."
Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!
Alex Trebek: (Hesitates) Technically it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.
Sean Connery: Oh...I'll play your game you rogue! Lets try "The Rapists" for $20.
Alex Trebek: How about "Show and Tell" for $600? I'll just show you an object and you'll tell me what it is, okay?
Sean Connery: It's a man with a mustache!
Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet. Here it is. (Holds up a hammer) (...silence) Name this object!
(Buzz)
Alex Trebek: Minnie Dryver
Minnie Dryver: It's a popsicle!
Alex Trebek: No.
(Buzz)
Alex Trebek: Jeff Goldblum, name this object.
Jeff Goldblum: Yes...uh, thank you. That's a...uh, a what-do-you-call-it when you...umm. When you...When you punish criminals in...uh, days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the...uh, the square in those...you know...uh-
Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! Buzz
Alex Trebek: (Hesitates) It's a freaking hammer!
Jeff Goldblum: Well of course it is!
Sean Connery: Now listen to me! You back off Trebek! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of you! ...This guy reads from a card!
Alex Trebek: Whatever...Lets move on to "Current US Presidents" for $400. And the answer is, "He is the current US president." (...silence) "He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news." (...silence) "His first name is 'Bill'." (...silence) "Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently." (...silence) "His last name is Clinton!" (...silence) "His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'." (...silence) Someone just say it! Anyone. (Time runs out) ...And the show has reached a new low.
Sean Connery: And I'm the cock of the walk!
Alex Trebek: All right, lets just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is, "Letters of the Alphabet." All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, "A" or "G."
(Jeopardy Theme Plays... )
Alex Trebek: There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there...
(Time runs out and lights go up.)
Alex Trebek: Okay, for the sake of tradition, lets take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: (Picture of a large hand giving "The Finger" appears) Okay...that is definitely not a letter.
Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!
Alex Trebek: Beautiful...just beautiful. Minnie Dryver lets see what you wrote. You drew a picture of an eye.
Minnie Dryver: Well, "I" is a letter isn't it?
Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Lets go to Jeff Goldblum who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Lets see what your answer was. The number 2.
Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah...the letter 2 my friend!
Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
Jeff Goldblum: I...uh, I...uh, can't read or write.
Alex Trebek: Good for you...Well, as always three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money here on Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good Night!
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Me playing the clavichord
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| Monday, August 12th, 2002
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11:43 am - what a stupid way to wake up
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i know not who this person is but when he.she.they were talking to me he.she.they had a 75% warning
boodiekall2569: hi.. : ) you there?
RobotTigers: yeps
boodiekall2569: asl?
RobotTigers: 21/m/NY?
boodiekall2569: 23/f/ny
boodiekall2569: so what are you up to robottigers?
RobotTigers: thinking about song arangment
boodiekall2569: feel like cybering? im kinda in the mood if you know what i mean : )
RobotTigers: cybering?
boodiekall2569: great! can you jst get it started..
boodiekall2569: so tell me how you would do me! from behind?
RobotTigers: from 2 rooms away with a remote controlled iguana named pedro
boodiekall2569: yeah, give it to me from behind sweets
RobotTigers: tell it to pedro, he is in charge now
boodiekall2569: : )
boodiekall2569: keep going.. im getting.. you know.. excited
RobotTigers: ok while the remote controlled iguana does you from behind i go and make myself a sandwhich
soon after she signed off
i found this quiz online.... how strange
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| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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10:45 pm - let me ...
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let me introduce you to my 2 best friends. Non stop drinking and compulsive gambling
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| Saturday, December 22nd, 2001
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10:18 am - uh oh
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top 3 new ways to say masturbate
"im going to go ...
03) Shake down a perp"
02) Hit number 12 on the billboard R&B charts"
01) Pinch the VanderBeek"
current mood:  jubilant
current music: jus wanted t'see what the jubiliant icon looks like.
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ifeelpretty's journal